Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I Hate It

I hate it.

I hate crying at random moments, for reasons not obvious to an outsider.

I hate knowing that right now, I would be 33 weeks, 4 days along with my first child.

I hate knowing that November 27th is quickly sneaking up on me, and I will not be spending those days in the hospital, with a warm, snuggly new bundle in my arms.

I hate seeing other pregnant women, who have never had the innocence of pregnancy taken away from them by a lost baby.

I hate knowing that I had every single detail planned out for this baby, and had those dreams ripped away.

I hate feeling like there was something I did wrong, something I could have done to prevent it. And feeling completely helpless.

I hate knowing that this has happened twice.

I hate the logical part of my brain, that says "Wait a few years. Wait until you are married to Josh, have a house, and have your career."

I hate the illogical part of my brain, that says "There is no need to wait. You should have this now."

I hate hiding it from people, hate feeling like I want to talk about it too much or too often.

I hate feeling like God has let me down. I know He has a plan for Josh and I. But right now, I think His plan stinks. I hate that I have a hard time turning my life over to God now. I know that God will only give me what I can handle. But right now, I'm feeling like I can't handle this.


Sandy Hop said...

Maranda, First of all I'm so sorry for your loss. Really, miscarriage sucks- there's no questioning that. Yes, its a downward spiral- and even 7 years after the fact, Jan. 29 will always be a "what if" date for me. Those babies are our children, and God has called them home. Take heart, we WILL meet, hold, hug, rejoice with them- someday. Prayers are going up for you.

Kate said...

Oh Maranda, I am so sorry for your losses.
I lost my first child when I was 11 weeks pregnant and it was absolutely devastating. People didn't understand why it hurt so much, but it was such a painful loss.
There are no magic words to take this pain away. Allow yourself to grieve, but also give yourself permission to move forward, but only when YOU are ready.
Know that you are not alone and that you are being prayed over. God DOES have a plan for your life. He knows the deepest desires of your heart and if He says no, then it's only because He has something more beautiful in store for you. Not easy to believe when your heart is broken, but it is Truth.
I understand your loss. If you need to talk or a shoulder to cry on, please know that I am here for you.

Trisha said...

I am so sorry for your loss and can relate to some of your conflicted feelings. I had a miscarriage in 2007 and our baby's due date was November 27 too. He was actually our 4th pregnancy and a total surprise. We didn't feel at all prepared. But that didn't stop us from getting attached to that little one and loving him. We have since had another baby. I sometimes look at him and think - if our miscarried baby had made it, we woudln't have this new little one who has captured our hearts. But I can't imagine my life without my little rainbow baby. I can see the good that came out of the situation now and I hope more good is yet to come out of that awful experience. Miscarriage is a tough loss because a lot of people don't really want to acknowledge it because it makes them uncomfortable. Also, I think it is one of those things that you can't really start to understand unless it has happened to you. I know I was clueless about the depth of grief and the accompanying roller coaster ride of emotions until it happened to me. But, please know that there are other moms out there who do understand. I will pray for you. ((HUGS))

j said...

i wish i was not a member of this club, but i am. the pain is excruciating and the grieving is painful and a roller coaster ride. i wish you peace and moments of hope that can begin to grow.
i had to return to work with two pregnant co-workers who mentioned fear of miscarriage every day. it was difficult. i wish you all the best. again, i am so sorry.

the higgins' said...

I too can feel your pain firsthand. I have 2 beautiful little girls, and just went through my fourth miscarriage. It's difficult, that is for sure. I don't have any good words of wisdom, other than to tell you others have been where you are. Hang in there.

Cynthia said...

I hoped over here via blog frog but I couldn't just read and run. I'm so sorry for your losses!

That said, there is a plan, you just cannot yet see how the pieces fit together. You'll have the family you desire EVEN IF you have to struggle to get there. It took us 3 1/2 years of infertility treatments but we finally got our twins after we were told it would never happen.

Patience is so hard when it comes to the big, important things in life. Especially when you have these kinds of worries. I hope your next opportunity goes smoothly.

Also- ask your Dr. about progesterone support. They have found that many times women who have repeat miscarriages lack a sufficient amount of this simple hormone and correcting it corrects the problem- it's worth finding out if this applies to you.

Holly said...

I just found your blog through blogfrog - and I was hoping maybe to talk to you more? Through email? I'm going through a rough time right now, and, I don't really have anyone to talk to that understands. Anyways, if you don't want to, that's fine..but if you have time and interest, my email is