Dear God

Dear God,


I know its been a while since we've really spoken.  I haven't even been to Your "house" in a very long time.  My Bible still sits next to my bed, along with my Bible study book for the book of Esther.  But neither have been opened in months.  My rosary sits tucked in its silk bag.  But I haven't held its cold, round beads in my fingers in I don't know how long.


Ever since the end of last year, it has been very hard for me to completely trust in you again.  My heart broke when I lost the baby I conceived, when I so badly wanted it.  I had suffered through one miscarriage already.  I felt entitled to this baby.  And those dreams were crushed, despite my never-ending prayers to You to keep my baby safe.

After all this time, I still don't feel 100% trusting.  I feel so guilty saying that though, or even thinking it.  When I was baptised and confirmed, I vowed to trust in you, God.  To believe Your have a plan for me.  But that is easier said than done in some cases.

Why is it, God, that we must go through so much hurt in order to realize Your plan? Isn't there a simpler way? A way with less heartache, less sorrow? I think of the pain I have continued to go through, and I still don't understand it. And I think of my friend Leah, and her sorrow over her failed IVF cycles. Of all the other infertile women I know; Keely, Allison, Megan. You see us struggling, Lord. You see us trying to realize dreams of ours, and praying to You for Your help. Why must we be burden with this load? Why us? Why can't we be granted this one prayer?



I feel angry, God.  Let down.  Broken, and disappointed.  By You.  My heart hurts when I think of placing the blame on You, but that is exactly how I feel.  Intellectually, I know You didn't take my babies away from me to hurt me.  I know that in my head.  But my emotions and heart tell me differently.  Those feelings outweigh the logical parts. 

And that is where I am struggling right now.  To overcome those feelings, and to reunite myself with You and Your word.  To let your Spirit overtake me once more, and clear from my heart those feelings of blame and anger.  I am in turmoil right now in so many ways, and I need Your Light to shine through to me.

Whenever I set foot inside the Abbey, I am overwhelmed with a sense of quiet.  Not just in that the building is silent; lacking noise.  Of course, there is a lot of that going on too, but its more than that.  Like all of the thoughts in my head are quieted.  My fears, anger, negativity.  All of it goes away.  The Abbey is a calming place for me, even when Mass is not in session.  Simply being there completely changes my mood.  But getting myself there has been the struggle.  I know once I am there, it will feel right.  I will know that's where I need to be, where I belong.  But I can't bring myself to drive into that parking lot, let alone walk through those carved, wooden doors.

I need that quiet right now.  I need my anxiety to be swept away, for this burden of anger to be lifted from my shoulders.  I need calmness.  I need to see a light at the end of this tunnel I seem to be stuck in.  I need You, Lord.

Just a quick update

I seem to be running out of time lately to accomplish things that I want to.  Maybe my priorities are a little out of order.  Maybe I need to manage my time better.  Maybe I should work on this....

This past weekend, my family celebrated my grandma's 75th birthday party in Randle.  My cousin Jess and I played photographers for the day, and snapped countless pictures.  I have been going through them and editing them as necessary.  I will be sharing more of the photography aspects of that day on my photography blog.

This coming weekend, two friends of ours are getting married!  Josh and the boys went to Portland last Saturday night for a "boys trip", which involved who knows what.  Josh just said they were "good" and stayed out of trouble.  It was the groom's last "hoorah" before tying the know.  I have been busy helping the bride prepare for the big day, and there is still lots to do in the coming days!  Friday night is the rehearsal dinner, and Saturday morning will be a whirlwind of activity, to get the venue set up, the boys dressed up, the girls primped and ready, and then actually sitting back and enjoying the wedding itself.  The photographer isn't going to be there in time to shoot the girls getting ready, so the bride asked me to be there to take photos.  ME.  That scares me!!  I also plan to shoot throughout the wedding/reception, to better learn wedding photography.

I am still working on my Esther Bible study, but just have not found time to blog about it.  But I am loving learning more about Esther, and am thoroughly (as always) loving my walk with God.

We are still looking for a house to buy.  It just seems like no new listings are coming out; its just a repeat of the same ole' ones.  It is slightly discouraging, but we are determined!

And, finally, my knees are better!  They still hurt every once in a while, but not nearly as bad as before.  Which is a relief, because walking in heels for the wedding Saturday would have been impossible if they were still in their initial shape!

I think that's it for now... I will have lots of photos to post in the coming week!

I Hate It

I hate it.

I hate crying at random moments, for reasons not obvious to an outsider.

I hate knowing that right now, I would be 33 weeks, 4 days along with my first child.

I hate knowing that November 27th is quickly sneaking up on me, and I will not be spending those days in the hospital, with a warm, snuggly new bundle in my arms.

I hate seeing other pregnant women, who have never had the innocence of pregnancy taken away from them by a lost baby.

I hate knowing that I had every single detail planned out for this baby, and had those dreams ripped away.

I hate feeling like there was something I did wrong, something I could have done to prevent it. And feeling completely helpless.

I hate knowing that this has happened twice.

I hate the logical part of my brain, that says "Wait a few years. Wait until you are married to Josh, have a house, and have your career."

I hate the illogical part of my brain, that says "There is no need to wait. You should have this now."

I hate hiding it from people, hate feeling like I want to talk about it too much or too often.

I hate feeling like God has let me down. I know He has a plan for Josh and I. But right now, I think His plan stinks. I hate that I have a hard time turning my life over to God now. I know that God will only give me what I can handle. But right now, I'm feeling like I can't handle this.