Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Thanksgiving 2010

We traveled to my aunt and uncle's house for Thanksgiving this year, and most of the family was in attendance. It was cozy, relaxing, and a great time.  I didn't take many photos of the people that were there; I was more focused on the animals!  Here are a few quick photos:

 These deer come right up to their porch!  Probably because they get fed apples every day!
 Otis showing off his ability to sit like a person.
 Grandma Alice!
And Otis the Reindeer.

Hope you all had a wonderfully festive, filling, and fun Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

My Personal Bodyguard

Miss Molly, our wonderful 8 month old Golden Retriever/Labrador Retriever mix, has stepped up to be my own personal bodyguard while Josh is away.

It always amazes me just how perceptive and aware animals are to us humans.  When I'm happy, Molly knows it.  When I'm sad, she can tell.  And when I'm scared, she protects me.

I have a hatred for being home alone at night, and so when Josh is away, I let Molly sleep on our bed instead of in her crate.  It makes me feel safer having her warm little body next to me.  Molly, however, has a hatred for snuggling.  She likes to lay on my feet, or on the floor next to the bed.  But she isn't one to spoon.  That all changes when Josh is gone, though.  She sleeps right up against my side or stomach, depending on which position I'm in.  And she won't leave her place until I get out of bed.  Even after I get up, she's glued to my side.  Like my little furry shadow.  If I go outside, she goes outside.  But instead of running off to play, she walks patiently alongside me to wherever I'm going, and then goes back in when I do.  She doesn't even go to the door to go play outside for very long when I'm inside.  She'll go out to go to the bathroom, and then wants right back in.  It's like she can tell I don't like being alone, and so she wants me to feel safe.

Now, this could all be a major coincidence that she acts this way while Josh is away.  But you know what?  I don't care!  It makes me feel better, and we get some major bonding time.  Plus, see this face?

How could this sleepy, droopy face not make you feel better?

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


In case you didn't know, Josh is currently in Idaho on a hunting trip.  He left early Thursday morning, and will be home sometime Wednesday.  This is a yearly trip for him, his uncle, and his cousin, and they wait all year for it. 

This is the first time Josh has been gone for more than one night since we started living together.  We live out in the sticks, and don't really know any of our neighbors.  And I hate being home alone.

The first night he was gone, my 16 year old brother stayed with me.  And the following night, we had Girls Night at our house, so I wasn't alone again. 

Having Josh away really makes me appreciate how much I love having him home.  Its not just the practical stuff I like having him around for; its the emotional aspect as well.  I honestly can't imagine having to be the guy in a relationship; they are responsible for so much!

First and foremost, he is my protector.  He is very chivalrous, and (almost) always a gentleman.  He sleeps closest to the door, always checks outside for me if I hear a strange noise, kills the spiders, and does whatever he can to take care of me.  He makes me feel safe, and I sleep peacefully with him around.  When he's gone, I hardly sleep.  I take naps during the daytime, and then stay away for most of the night.  I get scared easily, and have a hard time in the dark alone.

He also does most of the physical stuff around the house.  Bringing in firewood, cutting kindling, cleaning Molly's outdoor dog kennel, etc.  Since he's been gone, I've had to do all of that.  Its not that I'm not capable, or that I feel as if its his "job"; he just does that stuff.

And, its nice to have a helping hand.  Whether its taking care of Molly, doing the dishes, or running errands, having someone to help you accomplish things is nice. 

Most of all, however, I miss my best friend.  The one who makes me laugh, the one who melts my heart, and the one I rush home to see.  I miss the love of my life, and waking up next to his sleepy face each morning (even if it is at 5 AM!). 

So Wednesday, when Josh rolls back into town (which also happens to be the day of our anniversary!), you can know with certainty than I will be wrapping my arms around his strong neck, giving him a big kiss, and telling him thank you.  For coming home safely, for coming to my rescue, and for just being Josh.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Dear God

Dear God,

I know its been a while since we've really spoken.  I haven't even been to Your "house" in a very long time.  My Bible still sits next to my bed, along with my Bible study book for the book of Esther.  But neither have been opened in months.  My rosary sits tucked in its silk bag.  But I haven't held its cold, round beads in my fingers in I don't know how long.

Ever since the end of last year, it has been very hard for me to completely trust in you again.  My heart broke when I lost the baby I conceived, when I so badly wanted it.  I had suffered through one miscarriage already.  I felt entitled to this baby.  And those dreams were crushed, despite my never-ending prayers to You to keep my baby safe.

After all this time, I still don't feel 100% trusting.  I feel so guilty saying that though, or even thinking it.  When I was baptised and confirmed, I vowed to trust in you, God.  To believe Your have a plan for me.  But that is easier said than done in some cases.

Why is it, God, that we must go through so much hurt in order to realize Your plan? Isn't there a simpler way? A way with less heartache, less sorrow? I think of the pain I have continued to go through, and I still don't understand it. And I think of my friend Leah, and her sorrow over her failed IVF cycles. Of all the other infertile women I know; Keely, Allison, Megan. You see us struggling, Lord. You see us trying to realize dreams of ours, and praying to You for Your help. Why must we be burden with this load? Why us? Why can't we be granted this one prayer?

I feel angry, God.  Let down.  Broken, and disappointed.  By You.  My heart hurts when I think of placing the blame on You, but that is exactly how I feel.  Intellectually, I know You didn't take my babies away from me to hurt me.  I know that in my head.  But my emotions and heart tell me differently.  Those feelings outweigh the logical parts. 

And that is where I am struggling right now.  To overcome those feelings, and to reunite myself with You and Your word.  To let your Spirit overtake me once more, and clear from my heart those feelings of blame and anger.  I am in turmoil right now in so many ways, and I need Your Light to shine through to me.

Whenever I set foot inside the Abbey, I am overwhelmed with a sense of quiet.  Not just in that the building is silent; lacking noise.  Of course, there is a lot of that going on too, but its more than that.  Like all of the thoughts in my head are quieted.  My fears, anger, negativity.  All of it goes away.  The Abbey is a calming place for me, even when Mass is not in session.  Simply being there completely changes my mood.  But getting myself there has been the struggle.  I know once I am there, it will feel right.  I will know that's where I need to be, where I belong.  But I can't bring myself to drive into that parking lot, let alone walk through those carved, wooden doors.

I need that quiet right now.  I need my anxiety to be swept away, for this burden of anger to be lifted from my shoulders.  I need calmness.  I need to see a light at the end of this tunnel I seem to be stuck in.  I need You, Lord.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Josh & I

Just a quick few shots of Josh and I....

 PS- Isn't he handsome?!


I've never been someone who has a lot of girlfriends.  I usually hang out with the guys, and always tended to find girls annoying, catty, competitive, and just downright mean.  I had a few select girls that I counted on, but that was a very small list.

Over the last year, that has all changed!  I don't know if its because I've opened myself up more to the girls in my life, or if these incredibly amazing women have just come at the right time!

From the women of my walking group for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day for the Cure (Hi Rebekah, Jessica, and Maqui!), to the girlfriend of a friend of ours (Howdy Laura!), to the lovely ladies I met last Friday (more on that below), I'm loving having a long list of girls I can call friends!!

This past Friday evening, I had the chance to spend a few hours with 5 wonderful ladies, all battling different levels of infertility.  We met because S.I.F. had 2 frozen embryos transferred in Seattle (she's from Alaska), and had some free time to kill.  We talked about everything from how her transfer went, to our own personal stories and struggles, to Facebook stalking, and more.  It was so relaxing to just chat about whatever came up, and to feel free to say whatever.  These women all have a story, and if you would, check them out and give them some support!  Keely is "ranch-wife in the making" and former radio DJ, plus she loves photography too!.  Alissa is also into photography and her and her husband are busy trying to make a wee one!  Megan calls herself "Infertile Myrtle", and her and her husband have been battling infertility for over 9 years.  Thank you ladies, for the amazing girl time!!

I'm thoroughly looking forward to some more girl time coming up, including a Girls Night In this Friday night with Josh's family, to a Christmas bazaar Saturday with Josh's family and some of mine, and Rebekah's birthday party Saturday night.  As much as I love being "one of the guys", its a great feeling to know I have girls that have my back!