Monday, November 22, 2010

Dear God

Dear God,

I know its been a while since we've really spoken.  I haven't even been to Your "house" in a very long time.  My Bible still sits next to my bed, along with my Bible study book for the book of Esther.  But neither have been opened in months.  My rosary sits tucked in its silk bag.  But I haven't held its cold, round beads in my fingers in I don't know how long.

Ever since the end of last year, it has been very hard for me to completely trust in you again.  My heart broke when I lost the baby I conceived, when I so badly wanted it.  I had suffered through one miscarriage already.  I felt entitled to this baby.  And those dreams were crushed, despite my never-ending prayers to You to keep my baby safe.

After all this time, I still don't feel 100% trusting.  I feel so guilty saying that though, or even thinking it.  When I was baptised and confirmed, I vowed to trust in you, God.  To believe Your have a plan for me.  But that is easier said than done in some cases.

Why is it, God, that we must go through so much hurt in order to realize Your plan? Isn't there a simpler way? A way with less heartache, less sorrow? I think of the pain I have continued to go through, and I still don't understand it. And I think of my friend Leah, and her sorrow over her failed IVF cycles. Of all the other infertile women I know; Keely, Allison, Megan. You see us struggling, Lord. You see us trying to realize dreams of ours, and praying to You for Your help. Why must we be burden with this load? Why us? Why can't we be granted this one prayer?

I feel angry, God.  Let down.  Broken, and disappointed.  By You.  My heart hurts when I think of placing the blame on You, but that is exactly how I feel.  Intellectually, I know You didn't take my babies away from me to hurt me.  I know that in my head.  But my emotions and heart tell me differently.  Those feelings outweigh the logical parts. 

And that is where I am struggling right now.  To overcome those feelings, and to reunite myself with You and Your word.  To let your Spirit overtake me once more, and clear from my heart those feelings of blame and anger.  I am in turmoil right now in so many ways, and I need Your Light to shine through to me.

Whenever I set foot inside the Abbey, I am overwhelmed with a sense of quiet.  Not just in that the building is silent; lacking noise.  Of course, there is a lot of that going on too, but its more than that.  Like all of the thoughts in my head are quieted.  My fears, anger, negativity.  All of it goes away.  The Abbey is a calming place for me, even when Mass is not in session.  Simply being there completely changes my mood.  But getting myself there has been the struggle.  I know once I am there, it will feel right.  I will know that's where I need to be, where I belong.  But I can't bring myself to drive into that parking lot, let alone walk through those carved, wooden doors.

I need that quiet right now.  I need my anxiety to be swept away, for this burden of anger to be lifted from my shoulders.  I need calmness.  I need to see a light at the end of this tunnel I seem to be stuck in.  I need You, Lord.