Tuesday, September 29, 2009

But Right Now, I Can't

Envy: a painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage

Jealousy:  jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.

Resentment: the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult. 

I feel like a green-eyed monster.  A humongous, ugly, green-eyed monster.

And the worst part is, I'm not even ready to feel bad about it yet.

I should be ready to overcome my feelings, pray to God for guidance on this issue, and move on.

But right now, I can't.

I am battling person demons right now, and this is my opportunity to lay them out on the table.

Someone I am familiar with right now has something I want.  And that makes me envious.

And I know that sounds silly, to be devoting an entire blog post to coveting something someone else has.

But it isn't as if this person has a shiny pink bicycle, and I want one too.  Its much more than that.

I truly want to be happy for this person.  They are deserving of their gift, in every way.  And if circumstances were different in my life, I would be able to rejoice in their happiness.

But right now, I can't.

When I first found out about this joy to be celebrated, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was shocked, speechless, and most of all, hurt.  But I had no reason to be hurt.  This wasn't done to be malicious to me; in fact, this gift of theirs doesn't even concern me!!  I am in no way involved. So why should I feel as though I have been stabbed in the heart?

Maybe its because this person is getting what I want.  Maybe its because the more details I find about this person's plans, the more it replicates the plans that I had. And why should I blame this person?  Its not as though this person knew the details I planned out.  But it still hurts.  And some of the details are petty, insignificant, almost meaningless, in the big scheme of things.  And so I should just let the feelings surrounding these go, and move on.

But right now, I can't.

So there I sit.  Stewing.  Boiling.  Steaming.  Fuming.  And all around pouting.

I have pages flagged in some of my Catholicism/Christianity books regarding jealousy and envy.  And I intend to read them at a later time.  And spend some time reflecting on my feelings.  And speaking with God, praying for forgiveness, and asking for the strength to get past this.

But right now, I can't.